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Advice From Our Resident Pediatrician, Deanna Aftab-Guy, MD.

Talking with our children at an important time like this can be rather difficult.

When the World Trade Centre incident occurred I was at work in a rather intense research project and my husband paged me and my colleagues also ran in to tell us to turn on the news. My first response was to go home and get my kids out of school and take them to a "safe place". Actually the schools had the television on as well, at least the elementary school did. This worried me more. What were others going to tell my daughter about what was happening and did I need to retrieve her before inappropriate information was shared with my second grader. My preschool aged son was in a Christian preschool at the time and they handled it a little less direct but in a very appropriate manner. Everyday they have chapel time and used this time to pray for those in NYC who were injured. The director then opened up for discussion questions that the kids had. Most 4 and 5 year olds heard that there was an accident in New York and many people were hurt and they needed our prayers. The children questioned about death and talked about God and whether anyone could ever hurt him. When my son came home early with a tummy ache I was relieved so that I could continue the conversation in a more supervised manner. He was not aware of much of what was going on and I chose not to introduce any more information into his head. I simply asked him what he talked about at school and he said they prayed. The next few days they focused on patriotism and made flags with paint and construction paper. That was the level that I felt was appropriate for my 5 year old son. It was important for him to know that there were people in another place who needed our prayers and that we were safe.

My 7 year old returned home from school after watching TV, much to my anger. It seems everyone of the other parents in the school had also caught wind of this and phoned the board of education and the principal shut down the TV watching immediately. However, it was too late. Danielle came home almost in awe of what she saw-"an airplane crashed into a building and fire came up into the sky". I wished she had not seen that without me. I spent some time with her that evening talking to her about what it meant as did my husband. We explained that there were people outside of this country that did not like us and wanted to take our freedom. They tried to hurt us and our people and that we don't agree on a lot of things. I told her that we lived far away from that and we were safe, but that our president will take care of things and that the most important part was that the people who were hurt need our prayers and love.

We talked about children who have no parents now and how blessed we are to be safe and healthy and to have each other. She talked about helping those people by giving food or money. She even mentioned that she was not old enough to give blood like grownups can so could she give toys or food. She promptly turned on the news and I was afraid at first and she told me in a stern voice"Mommy, I need to understand this when I am a grownup!". So I joined her and turned the volume down low so it would not be as forceful and we discussed some of the things that we saw.

Speaking to our children about a national disaster has never been a worry for many of us. We live in a "safe" country where terrorism is not a common word that is heard much as it does in other countries. We are used to watching the news and feeling compassion for other cultures. This has made us all feel as if we are bleeding inside. The fact that it is so close to our homes and was directed at our friends,neighbors and relatives scares us. I want to protect my kids and keep them from any of this. It makes us want to stay in our homes and avoid busy places. We went into mourning and continue to do so as we walk about doing our jobs in a haze. I find myself a little paranoid in large places and suspicious of airplanes flying over.

What is so important for us to do for our kids is to provide as much consistency in their lives as possible. We want to stay in front of the news keeping in touch with every new development but also we cannot stop our lives. It is so hard to go about our responsibilities when a horrible attack on our country makes us question all that we are really doing and why. However, our kids need to know that our country and our faith is strong. That we are united in our devotion to our nation and we will not let anyone take away our security. Keeping them involved in their activities and sending them to school and going to work is part of maintaining our daily commitments. Use bedtime to really talk to your kids and let them tell you what's on their minds without introducing any worries that you think they might have. You will be surprised how strong and resilient they are. Give extra hugs and say prayers together whenever possible. Show them that you will protect them and that they are safe. It would be very easy for a child to become depressed or develop fears even nightmares . Watch for signs of this and talk with your child's doctor if you have any doubt. Try not to get angered if their behavior seems more clingy or needy. Most importantly stay close to your children and never let them forget that you are with them and love them and respect their feelings. We are all grieving in our own way.

We have gone into a semi-conservative rather nesting like attitude in our home. I immediately went home and spent every minute I could with my husband and kids. We bought a lot of groceries and are staying home and cooking more. We stopped talking about what we want to buy or redecorate or where we want to travel. We are tending to our home and nurturing each other more. Its as if we are conserving in case there is a shortage of resources or maybe it is what we now comforts us deep down, our home and each other. My husband and I are both very busy physicians and my pager has been busy all week. However, I am not as stressed with it as I could be cause I am focusing on my life more. I am laughing at things that would anger me normally in my day to day events. I spent the day at soccer games in the sun and just sat back and cheered for my kids and all their efforts instead of checking my watch and worrying about what where we should go for dinner.

So what is really important is to keep a check on our priorities-ourselves, our family, our neighbors, our country, our God. Stay close with your children and those you love and let them know you love them often and have faith that we will continue to do well and improve as parents, families and a nation as a whole.

Deanna Aftab-Guy, MD
WiredSafety's Resident Pediatrician

Advice From Our Resident Child Psychologist, Dr. Tom Biller

Children need help handling tragedy. Young children do not understand the magnitude of death and loss as do older children and adolescents. However, they are keenly aware of adult reactions and feelings. If an adult shows strong feelings, sadness, grief, anger, frustration and becomes tearful, the child knows something serious is happening. That is not said to keep adults from expressing their feelings. It is, however, appropriate to be sensitive to the impressionable minds that watch our every move for cues on how to respond. If an adult demonstrates fear, a child may match that fear with anxiety or physical complaints, such as, a stomach ache or inability to sleep.

Children need reassurance that their caregiver is going to be there for them and that they will be cared and protected. They will ask, "What happened?" Tell the truth, "Bad men were angry at the world and hurt people." You can tell them that you are sad about the loss of life and health of the people hurt and killed in the attack. It is appropriate to let them know that you are angry at the people who did the bad things. It is possible to tell them that extra police have been hired to protect us. Give them plenty of hugs and attention. Let them know that our government is aware of the problem and is going to take special steps to protect us.

Pray with your children and let them know that your faith is strong and that God loves them. Encourage them to play and go about their daily routine as they have in the past. It would be a good idea not to play the news and the sights and sounds of the WTC and Pentagon crash over and over. Children may not understand that it is not happening over and over again. The child may believe that each presentation on television is a new incident of terrorism. Have the children draw pictures that show hope and how they would like the world to be. Involve your children in helping activities. The helping activity will help them feel some control over their environment. A helping activity might be making a card for the local police, firemen and emergency medical teams telling them thank you for being there to help us. This action demonstrates how good behavior can outweigh bad behavior.

When you experience a change of emotions from shock and sadness to profound anger and feel a need for justice to be done, be careful how you talk. Adults getting angry and verbalizing vengeful statements is frightening to young children. We need to talk about justice and that the law enforcement agencies and military will catch the "bad guys" and put them in jail. We are not vigilantes. We are after law and order justice. This is going to be difficult to achieve, and we know it will be costly. However, it is important that we act as calm and secure as possible so our children do not sense the likely intensity of adult anger.

Most of all, spend extra time with your children. Read to them. Tell them stories about when they were younger. Tell them about when you were little. Read them bedtime stories so they can feel safe. Spending time with them quietly will help deal with their fears. As the family plays together, the child will ask questions. Seize the opportunity to directly address their concerns and fears. If children ask questions, the answers should be age appropriate. Children work through their fears and concerns in play activities. The parent can observe their child at play. The play activities may indicate what things cause the child to feel frightened or confused. Children process their fears by acting out the events that frighten them in their play. As an example, a child may build a building and knock it down. Do not react to the play and disrupt it. Knocking the building down is a child's way of comprehending what happened. When the building is knocked down you may choose to add into the child's play scenario a bunch of helpers (police, pastor, priest, rabbi, firemen, doctors, and good neighbors). You may ask the child to explain what is happening. This will give you an opportunity to address concerns and help them through their fears.

Do not give more information than a child needs for an explanation. For example a 4-year old girl asked her mother, "Where did I come from?" Her mother wanted to be honest and not hold back information so she got out her medical encyclopedia and explained the cycle of life. The little girl said, "No mommy, I mean did we come from Indiana or Illinois." This anecdote is an example of giving "too much information." Make your answers as simple and clear as possible. Do not use details that will be alarming and terrifying.

Dr. Tom Biller
WiredSafety's Resident Child Psychologist

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